My eldest son is a born leader with his own ideas about things. Although submission is hard for him, he had always been respectful and obedient to our wishes as his parents. Then he turned eighteen and got a tattoo.
What did his dad and I do? We did what most parents do. We panicked and responded in fear. I was worried that a tattoo would prevent him from getting a good job. I was concerned what others would think. I was anxious about where he got the tattoo and if the equipment was sanitary enough. I was terribly disappointed and heartbroken so I condemned and judged his decision. In turn, our son packed his clothes and left home, taking my heart with him.
For two weeks I didn’t know where he was or who he was with. His dad and I left messages on his cell phone demanding that he return our calls, but he never did. Overwhelmed with fear, I turned to prayer. I was desperate for God’s wisdom and guidance. My eyes were opened as I read, “Fathers [or mothers] do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
I had overreacted in fear. My disapproval and accusations only infuriated my adult son and caused him to flee. It was fear that caused me to mistrust and misjudge the situation. Fear-driven parenting does just that. It can also drive a child down the path we are so fearfully trying to avoid. This is not God’s plan.
To prevent fear-driven parenting, you and I must examine our fears before we act. We should evaluate our concerns with reasoning. To do so, ask yourself these three questions:
Will my child’s decision bring harm to him/her or others?
Will my child’s actions affect him/her spiritually?
If our concerns cannot be validated we need to cast our concerns on God and trust Him with the outcome.
Sure, the child may end up stepping into a pit as a result of his choice, but allowing your child to step in the pit is the only way he’ll learn to avoid it in the future.
My son, who I thought was made in my own image, actually had dreams and a God-given purpose of his own. I had to let go of my own dreams, expectations, and fears and accept him as he was, tattoo and all. Once again, I phoned my son. This time it was to ask his forgiveness. When the machine answered, I poured out my heart. “Son, it’s Mom. I love you. Will you forgive me?” He picked up the phone and the restoration of our relationship began.
Fear-driven parenting can destroy trust in the relationship between parent and child. It can also prevent us from allowing our children to make mistakes and grow from them. My job, and yours, is to guide, nurture, and raise self-disciplined children who know how to make good decisions. It’s not our duty to smother, control, or overprotect them. While some fears are valid and require parental action, others are not justified and need to be trusted to God’s care.
Micca Campbell-Helping Women Live Carefree in God’s Care
Hi Micca – thanks for sharing your lessons along the parenting road. With a 15 year old – newly driving – we are in some new territory and need all the help we can get – mel
Hi Micca, I have a 12 year old, so I'm getting the hormonal attitude. Your post is most helpful, because when the time come in her bad decision making, I will remember your word on fearful parenting!!
Micca, this reminds me of the times I have gotten off balance. I feel I have been a "careful" mom, and that has been good. But I am too quick to fear sometimes when I sense rebellion or price, I will prayerfully panic (Haha!) But I love how your post shows God making up what we lack.
I was listening to my She Speaks cds from '08 today on my way to Mpls, and you were talking about speaking, trusting God to come through us…It applies to parenting too!
Great story!
Hi Micca, I am new to your blog & I believe God led me here thru Encouragement Today Devo to read this post. I am deeply mired in the "Fear Driven Parent" pit. My 19yr old son had his tongue pierced this past summer & I reacted just like you with disappointment & condemnation. We are in desperate need of God's restoration of our relationship. Thank you for sharing your story, giving hope & allowing God to use you to speak to me.
your statement that you were worried about what others would think is key for me. so often, i find that i'm more worried about what my friends will think about me as a parent than the real issue. once i let those fears go, it is much easier to deal with the situation and actually communicate with my kids.
thank you for sharing.