“Are you listening to me?” I asked my husband who was driving the car.
“Sometimes I don’t believe you hear a word I say.” I added. My husband’s response took me by surprise.
“I’m listening. I’m just not responding.” He explained. “I’m wondering why you want to talk about something that might cause an argument on the way to church.” He added.
He was right. My timing was bad and we probably would have ended up in a fight. I shut my mouth, but before doing so I made him promise we would talk later—no matter what!
Communication is hard in a marriage. Someone once said that communication is to a relationship as blood is to the human body. Communication is what nourishes and sustains a relationship. Without it you no longer have a relationship.
We don’t want to go there. So how do we build good communication skills?
We turn to God’s Word. The bible has much to say on the topic.
First, the Word teaches us: We Must Listen to Understand
“Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (Jas 1:19b).
To honor this truth, I’m learning to focus on what is being said rather than how I feel about what’s being said. That’s not all.
I’m trying to focus on the tone of voice and posture of the speaker instead of just his words.
Listening well also means clarifying valid points rather than making accusations and become defensive.
In other words, I should listen to understand; not judge.
Second, We Must Speak to be Understood———————————————-
“When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Pro 10:19).
I’m learning it’s important to be deliberate with regard to what, how and when I choose to express myself to my spouse. These things really matter. Riding to church is not the best time to discuss a problem.
First, I must determine what I really want to express. Then, how do I want to say it?
- With excitement?
- With encouragement?
- With conviction?
- With disappointment? Expression helps clarify what we want to say.
It’s equally important to determine when to speak. It’s probably not best to discuss a problem after a long day at work, and definitely not in front of friends or family. Maybe it’s best to share your heart after a meal, recreation or before bedtime.
WHAT KIND OF FIGHTER ARE YOU?————————————
Finally, Understand the Way You fight
(Taken from Denis Rainey’s “Preparing For Marriage Book.)
Did you know that the way you fight is a communication style? It is. What style best describes you?
1.) Are you a fight to win person? I am. I bring the knives, frying pan and the kitchen sink. I’m determined to win even if someone dies. Okay, that’s a bit dramatic. But a person who fights to win says, “I’m right. You’re wrong.” You seek to dominate the other person. Does this sound like you or your spouse?
2.) Are you a withdrawer? Do you seek to avoid conflict at all costs? You feel uncomfortable in a fight and you just want to get out. You rarely see any hope for resolving the problem so you give your mate the silent treatment.
3.) Or are you a yielder? You assume it’s better to go along with the other’s person demands than start an argument. To you a safe feeling is more important than being close.
My husband and I took time to determine which best fit our fighting style. Once we identified how each other fights we better understood one another. I remember thinking, “Oh, that’s why he does that!” Plus, we were never again caught off guard by the others response. I highly recommend you discuss these with your mate.
What we want to achieve when fighting is a loving resolve. This takes a special attitude. In humility, both parties must commit to putting the relationship above the issue. Make your relationship a higher priority than the conflict at hand. Determine it’s not a win/lose situation. Both interest are equally valuable. Then discuss the problem as carefully and as sensitively as you can.
Resolving conflict requires forgiveness. This is the miracle of the Christian life—that we can heal our relationships as Christ healed our relationship with HIm through forgiveness.
ENTER TO WIN!!!!
Because I care about you and your relationship, today I’m giving away Lysa Terkeurst’s books, Capture His Heart/Capture Her Heart!
I love these pocket-sized books! My husband and I read our book separately. Then, we went out to eat one night each week to discuss all we learned. What Lysa taught strengthened our marriage and brought us closer together as a couple.
To enter to win the bundle, leave a comment expressing one thing that spoke to you in this post.
Blessings!
Oh my… Maybe I can stop crying long enough to type. April 4th my husband left me. He said all we ever do is fight. He was right. What he didn’t know was I am just as miserable so I was looking for a renewed relationship with old boyfriends. We are both fighters & don’t back down. But we are both Christians, who up till 2 years ago, were on fire for Jesus. Stuff happened with staff at church & our belief in our “Shepard’s” took a nose dive. We stopped attending church & among other things we lost our focus. We started fighting more & struggled to make ends meet. We constantly got into arguments over the dumbest things. Usually the kids or my clutter. I thought it was dumb, but to him it was everything. We have started talking the past 2weeks. God has worked a miracle to soften his heart. He had quit his job, left me & contemplated suicide all the same day. I was sick with worry & had the church start praying for him & my family. I never left the church totally & still met for our prayer group that he started & came when I could. God has been telling me to learn to respect him & one of the ways is to LISTEN to what he is complaining about! That is my 1st clue to respecting him. Crosswalk website has a list of ways to respect your husband I found helpful. I called him& apologized for not being how God wanted me to be. The next day I posted on FB for people to come help me clean out all my sale stuff & they could have what they wanted. It worked but I still have more to go. He is going to be seeing a Psychiatrist today & hopefully gets on meds for his anger towards other people. He has told me he doesn’t want a divorce even after I told him I contacted old boyfriends. He forgave me & wants to go to counseling. We go this next Tuesday.
Wow. Sorry to answer the question more clearly; We are both fighters & we both must be quick to hear & listen & slow to speak. Since we are having an anger issue. I love this point too “Make your relationship a higher priority than the conflict at hand. Determine it’s not a win/lose situation.” THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS & JESUS BLESS YOU!
Dear Heartbroken,
Please check out http://www.flylady.net. She is an organize your house guru. I have followed her for years and went from chaos to clean (not perfect). It is not an overnight process, but definitely a doable one! She will help you learn to love your space, but more importantly love yourself along the way. I hope this helps!
Brenda
Sorry I don’t want to post my name cause all the personal info! 🙂
This message really spoke to me! It almost reminded me of the 5 love languages; we have to know our loved ones personalities and needs to relate to their wants.
Thank you for allowing me to share my perspective, and may God Bless 😀
Micca, We’re not married but try hard to treat each other well…. great practice for possibly marriage one day we say. Thanks for the many NEW suggestions for overcoming conflict! God bless you Cindi
The part about being a withdrawer.
Just started a relationship, not married, about 40 years old and i really want it to work out. The part about communication touched me. Knowing when to talk, how to say it really ministered to me.
I feel like I have to be right and it is hard for me to apologize sometimes and admit I was wrong.
I loved “What Kind of Fighter are You?’ Never thought about it. My husband “loves to argue”, he thinks it’s healthy. I disagree, it just makes my ulcers kick in. He’s not going to change my opinion, it’s how I feel! So I guess I’m a yielder, I just want peace. Thanks for this insight.
I definitely need to work on my speaking skills; specifically conveying the right tone, but I determining my fighting style is what really spoke to me. Great advice and so important!
I’m so glad to not be alone! Sunday mornings can be one of our most stressful times…. What spoke to me most is the “when”. I need to remember that my husband and I are in this together. Treating him with respect and choosing the right time to talk is certainly a good thing to keep in mind! Thanks for the words of encouragement this morning!
The fact that your husband bought a sticker book for you really stood out to me! Sometimes my husband will come in and makes comments like, “I wish I was the computer and maybe you’d spend more time with me!” Time does seem to slip away with all of the other duties of life. Thank you for your Bible verses and words to help us realize how important it is to spend time with our spouse.
I especially liked the “what kind of fighter are you” section and the response from your husband. The enemy definitely tries to keep us from being peaceful before going to Church.
I am a combination of all three at times depending on what we are fighting about. We don’t fight often, and when we do, I find it heart wrenching. Most of the time I just want to get away from the argument but then later realize that if I yield all the time, it will not be helpful, especially if God was working in my heart to bring up the discussion with my husband. Some things are better left unsaid, but others need to brought up. I am still learning the difference. I find that if I pray about it and still feel it is on my heart the next day, I should bring it up. It would be nice to learn how to “fight fair” and still get my point across in a constructive way.
The one thing that spoke to me, was the part about “resolving conflict requires forgiveness.” So many times we choose to bury the things that we have done to hurt our spouses and once it has surfaced, we are so full of anger, disappointment and resentment. Those emotions cloud our judgement and makes us feel that forgiveness is not an option. I have to prayerfully remind myself that my God forgives me of my transgressions and sins everyday b/c I am in no way perfect and continue to stumble at times during my walk with Him. I have learned that forgiveness as well as communication are integral parts of a successful marriage.
Need these!!!
What didn’t speak to me? God’s word always has the right timing. I learned a little bit more about myself with the fight personality. Thank you for sharing!
I found the whole thing helpful. But the type of fighter that I am and my husband is, I found enlightening. Since, of course, we are very different.
Enjoyed your post on Encouragement for Today this morning. It really spoke to me. It is so easy to “give your spouse the leftovers”. No matter what phase of life you are in….tired from a day of taking care of young children, not much privacy when teenage children live in your home and then “re-connecting” when becoming an empty nester. Just last night my husband and I set up a date night as we felt it had been awhile since we did something just the two of us together.
Looking forward to reading the books in the giveaway!!!
Let me start by saying I am a very BAD listener!!! Everyone in my family tells me.. You don’t listen to what I am saying. Sometimes communicating with my husband is difficult. I really want to do better in this area. I like what I read about communication nourishes and sustains our relationship. I am ready to work on being a better listener and strengthen my marriage with the love of my life.
I had just spoken a prayer to our God, begging him to spark a fire in me for my husband, and to give me unconditional love for him. Our marriage has been struggling for years (since before it even started, really), and there have been so many times that I’ve shouted to the Lord that I don’t even want him anymore. But I see him trying, and I don’t know what to do with that, because I had convinced myself that he doesn’t care.
After my prayer this morning, I opened my devotion with you. The final prayer was exactly what I needed: “Dear Lord, my spouse is a gift from You. Give me the courage to talk honestly and openly with him. Use communication to deepen and strengthen our relationship in all areas. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.” I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know how to have him.
I’m always looking for ways to improve our marriage and communication. I’m the one that avoids confrontation at all costs and I realize this is not good. We have been married almost 25 years and although we talk, we don’t communicate. We are seeing marriages crumble all around us. Would love to win this set of books not only to help us but those around us. Thank you and God bless.
The post did talk to me on how important communication is in a marriage. Thanks the Practical tips on how to listen and talk.
Learning to communicate is something that is difficult for me and my husband. I’m a stuffer (of emotions) and he is an avoider. We are both working to change that so that we can really communicate and come together. Thank you for your words of encouragement and insight.
I am really looking forward to the books in the giveaway. I really want to understand and capture my husbands heart.
You post spoke to me! This is exactly what I am living. So much to do so little time. We both are feeling neglected and not communicating the way we should be. Thanks for your post!
Thank you for sharing your insight. I related to needing to listen to understand as opposed to preparing myself emotionally in how that makes me feel. Trying not to allow your past to dictate how someone is responding to you. I would love the opportunity to learn more from your books. Thank you!
Really enjoyed your post today! I did the same potty training technique with my daughter….hadn’t thought that my husband might try that on me. Put things in perspective for me “again” that he shouldn’t just get the leftovers. Thanks for the reminder!!
Resolving conflict requires forgiveness – and humility. I realized that while with most people I am yielder, but with my husband, I am a fight to win kind of girl. I have much to learn in how to communicate better with my husband, so I am thankful that my God doesn’t give up on me and is continually teaching me how to be the wife He has called me to be!
My husband is a #1 and I am a #2…I hate conflict and will avoid it at all costs! As a result, I walk away feeling like he didn’t “fight fair”. Maybe these books would help us understand each other better! Looking forward to reading!
Thank you so much for your openness and willingness to share. Like so many others my husband and I are facing the many challenges of raising teens. What truly spoke to me were the communication skills mentioned. Listening and understanding truly go hand and hand. Most of hear but don’t listen. We think we understand. But we can’t understand if we haven’t heard. I am going to begin today listening so that I can understand and better my relationship with my husband. Can’t wait to share the books with my hubby. 🙂
Communication has been and is our struggle. I come from a family of divorce and did not get any modeling of godly communication. What scares me is I have three boys who are really not getting it either. I do desperately want to break this generational curse in my family, but don’t know how. I definitely need God to give me courage.
The part that spoke to me most in this post was, “Resolving conflict requires forgiveness”. I think that is the hardest part sometimes.
Wow…thanks for this practical post. I can’t wait to find out which fighting style my husband and I mimic …we’ll have to discuss this on our next walk.
Thanks for your blog!
What stood out to me was the importance of listening well, especially being sure to clarify his thoughts rather than getting defensive immediately. Thanks for sharing!
Wow! Your post today couldn’t have been better timing for my husband and I. Though we have a good marriage, little things can slowly eat away at that. Your post today reminded me that I have a responsibility to be wise about how I communicate with my husband. It’s been a stressful week for us this week, and now after reading this today, I’m better prepared for how to communicate with him this weekend. The part about timing our conversations especially spoke to me. We have two young children at home, and I need to remember that our more heated discussions (or all-out fights) should never occur in front of them. Thank you for helping me to be a wise, God-centered wife and mother!
Communication is very hard. “Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (Jas 1:19b). I bed to be more like this verse. It biggest issue is that we don’t have mommy and daddy time. We have three kids. I still nurse our youngest one who doesn’t leave my side much. Thanks for the give away!
I learned that we need to discuss our fighting styles. Thanks!
Micca, I read your P31 blog and then followed it over to your page! Great posts! I really liked the section on “what kind of fighter are you”?
I have never heard of this before but it got me thinking and I plan to discuss with my husband.
I also like to follow Lysa and am constantly up for a good book to read and would love to win these! 🙂
Have a great weekend.
This is just what I needed to hear today. Have been struggling for some time with communication and not being the wife God intended me to be. Very often I try to justify my actions – being tired, no time with working all day and having a family. I used to be a fight to win person but have become more of a with drawer. It can be hard as my husband is an unbeliever and although I try to show God’s love in action, very often I fail. Even words don’t get the better of me, my attitude or spirit is wrong. Would love these books. Thank you for your message, it has really encouraged me. X
First time visiting your blog. We all can use encouragement for our marriages. I liked what you said about choosing the right time to have discussions. I often want to talk with him right when he walks in the four because I’ve been thinking about something all day and want to talk to my husband about it. I’m learning to exercise patience and choose my times better.
That was sooo encouraging! I never thought about it that way. My husband and I communicate pretty well, but sometimes our pride gets the best of us. I need to put my feeling aside and hear what he is saying and not feel he is attacking. He has a totally different view on things and I need to see that. So thanks for today’s post.
I enjoyed your post .It spoke right to me.
That is a place of concern to me in my life
with my husband on personal issues. I really
didn’t think about they way we talk about issues
but I really understand about the tone of voice
we use.My husband is a log and timber buyer and
he is so use to dealing with loggers all the time that
his tone of voice is used at home as well.And we have no
time to ourselves we lived with my mom and brother for 31 yr.
My mom passed away last year and I’m still taking care
of my brother. I don’t have any regrets but its hard on a marriage as
well.
Learning to achieve a loving resolve is key but not always easy to achieve. Putting the relationship above the issue is a definite goal.
Enjoyed the Encouragement for Today… We have 5 kids, 6 and under so there’s some significant tiredness going on. But they are such blessings! Anyway, it was a good reminder though. And the line about fighting on the way to church! LOL!
I should listen to understand- not to judge. I know it seems basic, but in reality do I judge more than try to understand? Good encouragement and reminder!
Im a fight to win type of person. Through this post I realized that I need to validate when my husband is right more often. Much of the time I realize he is right, but I want to “win” the argument so I overlook what he said. This was a great post and I loved having the types of fighters layer out. Very helpful!
P.S. My husband and I have only been married 8 months now! So we need all the help we can get 😉
“communication is to marriage what blood is to the body”…wow! It is so very important! My husband & I just went through counseling this last year and are learning to communicate better. It makes a huge difference.
Wow….after reading your Encouragement for Today email and now this blog post I looked up and said, “ok God! I hear you!!!” My husband and I literally had an argument about this very thing this very morning.
We have 4 amazing kids…the newest being almost 6 months old. I homeschool our oldest in first grade. The other 2 are 4 and 3, 15 months apart. Life . is . crazy! At the end of the day, I want quiet. I want to be alone. I want one minute where someone doesn’t need me. But the truth is, someone does. It’s him. Provider of our family. Daddy of our babies. Partner of my life.
Post partum recovery hasn’t been easy with this fourth little one. I’ve been hard on myself about my post baby body and nursing basically takes you from third trimester into the fourth trimester. I am so aware I’m missing it with my hubby. Instead of besting myself up this morning, I’m encouraged. I’m not alone in my struggle. And things will get better. Thank you, Miccah, for your openness on the subject and your prwctical encouragement. Thanks for doing this giveaway, too!
I enjoyed your post on Encouragement for Today this morning. It really spoke to me like never before. It is so easy to “give your spouse the leftovers”. This is one of the areas that my husband and I struggle in. Just last week I told my husband that we need to setup a date night every week and stick to it because we need it. This will allow us to focus on each other and not our kids, bills and other stuff that can wait. I’m “learning that without communication you no longer have a relationship.” I tend not to go there because I don’t want to offend the other person and then I’m not sure of what I really want to say or how I should say it. I’m sure I will move forward when I win the book in the giveaway!!!
Yikes! Your husband’s response to your question hit me in the heart. I know that I have been guilty if this as well.
It is hard to find time and energy to be with my husband. He is a night person and I need to get up early to get the kids ready for school. I think we both are withdrawers, so we very rarely fight or argue and when we do not much gets settled. I love to find a way where we can be more open and honest with each other. Lysa’s books would probably help with that. Thank you for this post and the Encouragement for Today’s post. It gave me a lot to think about.
Thank you so much for this post! It’s so easy when we are in the middle of relationship difficulty to blame the other person, but reading this and having it explained so well, I can see where there is major work needed on my part (ouch! ) with Gods help, to get our relationship back on track….
Thank you again, and look forward to reading more….
Blessings to you for all you do
Linda
The thing that spoke the most to me was know how your mate and your fighting style. I never thought of it this way. If a person loves one way, it makes sense to know how a person fights. This changed my viewpoint in how he and I argue.
Great post! What spoke to me the most was the paragraph about committing to put the relationship above any issue/conflict, that our goal when fighting is loving resolve. I usually fight to win so, ouch, that hurt. Thankfully though, with God, I’m a work in progress. Thank you for this encouraging post!
I would love to read these books. I struggle with intimacy . I don’t get the people who have time and are the 3 to 4 times a month. We hardly get once a month in our intimate time. I would really like to know how to put it all together. It puts such a strain on our relationship.
Thanks for your post. I needed to be reminded that I need to make my relationship a higher priority than whether or not I win or lose in our “intense moments of fellowship” 🙂 Many years ago we went to a Family Life Conference and one of the things that sticks with me is that “my mate is not my enemy”. That has helped me so many times to focus on the matter at hand when I start boiling inside and wanting to lash out at him. Often, I don’t think through how I am going to present something before I bring the matter up, I just blurt it out. I need to think through how I will present it and then just be quiet and listen. Also when he comes to me with something, I need to put into practice to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”! God is good and we continue on this road with our Heavenly Father to become more like him. I am very thankful for my husband!
This post was God speaking directly to me! As the breadwinner of the family with (2) very busy teenage daughters, I am sure that my husband often feels like he is getting sloppy seconds! To top it off, I am perimenopausal so I often don’t have much energy at night! Your blog was a good reminder that we must pray for the energy and we must make the time!
I am definitely a fight to win last word kind of gal. I always have to step back and turn it around. The advice I tell my kids is that it takes two to tango and admitting your wrong hurts.
We never like to admit we are wrong but when we do what peace it gives. The post was encouraging to see it in a different light. Thanks for your writing.
Thank you for your post today! It was very encouraging and uplifting. So often my husband does get the leftovers. Having three small kids, a full time job plus the housework at home and the work on our small farm take precedence over our relationship. I also need to think about “when” I should communicate with my husband about certain things, not on the way to church as your example showed! I thank God for my husband and need to strive harder to help and nurture my relationship with him. Thank you for your ministry!
I need to listen without judging. Put my feelings about what is being said aside. Thank you for the article.
Hi. What spoke most to me is the comment you stated about making your relationship a higher priority than the conflict at hand. My husband is a fight to win and I am a withdraws…our conflicts are never communicated well. Thank you for your encouragement today!
DING!!! Reading this is like God said “Eleanor, here’s your sign!”
Lately, my husband and I have been at odds…easily taking offense and harboring feelings. Not good. Coldness is creeping in and even in my prayer time, I feel we are unstable, though we love each other. This post is an answered prayer to a week long battle of coldness and a sense of hopelessness. Now, I feel hope. Women who are like me, Christian and committed to working out a marriage no matter what, walk in the same path from time-to-time. Thank you for the hope you have inspired within me. It has been there all along, just muddled up in a blanket of coldness and dormancy. Friday night…..hmmmm…I see hope! 🙂
Thank you for the post. I just came to your blog from the Proverbs 31 daily devotion because I liked what you said there. But reading your post here was great as well. I find my marriage to be a lot of time not spent together. We have started talking more but it took 17 years of our 19 year marriage to get here. But the fighting styles makes sense to me. My hubby definitely is #1 and I was and still am a #3 but have worked my way into #2 some. God has been working on me being too passive. I have come a long way but i know there is more still. But, I will have to talk to my hubby about the fighting styles and see what he says. Thank you for your help. God bless.
Very inspiring, yes I tend to take things too personal on all levels. So it is such a good point for me to try and focus on what is being said rather than how I feel about what’s being said.
Thanks for the insight!
I liked the response the husband gave (he was listening, just not responding) sometimes this is the approach we need to take. He was also mindful of where they were going (to church). Again, something we should be aware of; sort of a when and where to have a conversation. Communication in all relationships is important.
“To honor this truth, I’m learning to focus on what is being said rather than how I feel about what’s being said.”
This is sooooo true and so important. Our emotions can run wild and we can interpret things incorrectly and react so sinfully. I am also very guilty of giving the “left overs” to the husband… we don’t even have kiddos! Great reminder today! Thank you!
“In other words, I should listen to understand; not judge.” In the four years I have been married I have discovered I was not a very good listener. I definitely listen to judge and react. I find that I often don’t even finish listening to what someone is saying because I am too busy thinking about how I am going to respond to what I think they are saying. I end up interrupting them to get my thoughts in before I loose them. I really need to work on not interrupting and to listen to everything first trying to understand where they are coming from and ask questions like you mentioned to clarify valid points. Responding should be the last thing I do.
Wow! How interesting! I have never thought about what kind of fighter I am … DEFINITELY like to withdraw…and my husband is DEFINITELY a fight to win kind of guy! Fascinating-enjoyed reading some of your previous blog posts, too!
Thank you Micca. I need to really think before I speak–needed to be reminded. Bless you, Barb Wall
I just discovered you on the Encouragement for Today devotional! I loved what you wrote in the devotional about giving your spouse your leftovers. I am so bad about giving my husband my leftovers. I am always so tired at the end of the day, it’s hard to make myself enjoy time just the two of us! We are very open in communicating about it, though, so hopefully we can work to resolve it. And I loved what you wrote in the blog post about listening/speaking to understand and picking the best time to discuss certain things. These are areas my husband and I are working on improving and it’s nice to hear advice from someone else who’s been there!
Your story is very inspiring and I’m hoping to get your book as a Mother’s Day present 🙂 I just hinted around to my husband that I want it!
I enjoyed this post. My husband and I need better communication. Trying to get there. Please pray for us.
What spoke to me most was “Make your relationship a higher priority than the conflict at hand.”
Actually this whole blog spoke to me, the way you fight spoke to me the most because I tend to be a yeilder. My husband and I have had some rough times and I tend to want to feel safe instead of close. Listening is also something I struggle with. I form my response while listening and usually miss the main message of what is being said. As you know women can multitask and so I want to watch TV or do something else while my husband is talking instead of giving him my full attention. I am very guilty of giving my husband my left overs. When I get home from work, there is things I want to do after supper instead of giving my husband my full attention. I would love to learn how to capture his heart all over again. Thanks for your blog and I love this ministry.
thanks for sharing this morning! Even when the kids are out of the house it’s too easy to come up with excuses not to be intimate so it’s good to have those reminders. I deal with not wanting to discuss certain things with my husband because of his reaction so I appreciate the encouragement to be open and honest with your spouse.
God has been challenging me to seek Him and to fall in love with him and put all my desires on him because I’ve had a lot of disappointments in my life so this was a good encouragement.
God’s timing is so amazing. My husband and I just celbrated our 12th anniversary but we both would admit that our marriage needs attention. We are not good communicators with each other. Thankfully we are both committed to finding a solution but struggle to find the time and the know-how. With two young ones, I fully understand the concept of “leftovers” and realize how unfair that is for my husband. Thank you for these two articles of encouragement. They have given me a starting point – I need to listen to understand. Have a great day!
Wow!! This was very encouraging this morning. It gave me a few tools on when to have those conversations and not on the way to church. If I really think about it, I do this cause we are in close quarters and there is no chance for him to walk away. I wll definitely ask him what kind of fighter he is, but I believe I already know. Thanks again Micca!!
Thank you so much for the Sticker Book story today. I’m a childcare provider so can totally relate to the reward system. I’m trying to rebuild my relationship with my husband and really feel that God is sending me messages in so many ways….it was also nice to read your info on the different kind of ‘fighters’ I know that I’m a withdrawer and what you said about how important communication is to marriages.
I look forward to reading my P31 devotions on my email…thank you for being a contributor!
~Gina
I loved the “type of fighter”. Understanding the difference makes the husband’s reaction make more sense. When I understand something, hopefully I won’t take it quite so personal.
Thank you for this post! God bless you!
Well, I am between a yielder and a withdrawer. I will avoid a fight at all costs even if I know I’m right and then resent him because he won’t listen and understand me. It seems like a hopeless situation for our relationship. I could really use these books. Thanks for the offer.
Hi Micca, this is an ouchy. I am a fight to win person. When I am angry, I will say hurtful things– things I know that are hurtful. Or, will continue to argue a point when I know that I’m wrong because my pride sometimes won’t allow me to say I’m wrong. I’m praying this nasty habit will cease.
Thank you for this eye opening post!
Whoa!! I have been the fight to win type! Not so good. I am finding out though the ROOT causes of a lot of my behavior. Thanks to my God, I am working on realizing who I am in Christ and NOT what others say. A true work in progress.
I enjoy your blog! This specific day I loved the part where you said you need to listen in order to understand, not to judge. I would love to read your books!
Taking things my husband says personally is the story of my life! I love how you gave the reminder that it’s about listening to the content rather than how the content makes you feel. Now I’m ready to tackle more conversations with him with GUSTO! And furthermore, maybe repeat some we’ve had in the past that I’ve ruined because I’ve not really listened to just the content. Thank you for such a great post and your devotional on Proverbs…just what my head and heart needed to hear.
Thank you so much for the reminder that even in the busy and hard times you may be going through as a family, a couple, we need to be taking care of our marriage and relationship with the one God has given us. We are a team, and need to support, love, pray and yes take care of sexual needs for each other. Thanks so much.
I realize that my husband and I have very different “fighting” types. I’m definitely a withdrawer. It’s very hard to engage in the conversation in the right way.
I’m new to Proverbs 31 and your post this morning spoke to me. Your prayer is one I need to practice. As a new mom, balancing a career and home, my husband often gets the worst part of me at the end of the day. Not only are romantic evenings far and few between but the energy to communicate about our relationship can be a struggle. It was helpful to read your inspirational words as I pray for God’s help in strengthening our marriage.
I look forward to reading more of your encouraging words.
Thank you so much for your devotional today. I am always looking for ways to improve our marriage. I really appreciated the part about what kind of fighter you are. This really spoke to my heart.
Thank you for your post. My husband and I struggle a lot with communication, he is a “fight to win” person and I am a “withdrawer” which makes it hard I guess because I let him win and then feel like I am not heard or taken into consideration. But at the end we both just want a loving resolve. Gotta keep working at it. Blessings to you!
I had not thought about the different types of fighters until I read your blog. That helped me a great deal. That’s k you for the insight.
The first thing that jumped out at me was to “LISTEN”. I have seen multiple posts on Facebook this morning regarding listening. I think God is trying to tell me something. 🙂 I spend too much time formulating my response and what I think he is going to say; so I can say something back rather than really humbling myself and listening to what he is saying. That is not a fair way to communicate!
Tonight my boyfriend & I are having a frank discussion about the communication in our relationship & whether this relationship is ending or moving forward.
Thank you for sharing something so private. Today’s P31 devotion and your blog are right on today. Something I needed to be reminded of and definitely needed to know that I’m not alone. It’s scary to know that I actually have two styles of fighting. If I’m pushed too far it’s style 1 but when I can keep my cool I shut him out. It’s not easy when he’s not very approachable. We used to talk about everything when we were dating. After we got married we fought about everything. Thankfully it doesn’t happen as often but we still have a long way to go. Thank you all for sharing your lives & life lessons.
“I should listen to understand, not judge.” I saw the same thought on LinkedIn worded a little differently, something like “We listen to reply, when we need to be listening to understand.”
Thank you for sharing this! The part about listening really stood out to me.
“To honor this truth, I’m learning to focus on what is being said rather than how I feel about what’s being said.”
April 2nd my fiance of four years (whom I still love dearly), told me he needed to break up with me because we had both gotten so far away from God, and he felt lost and had no idea who he was or what the Lord wanted him to do. Because of this, all his love for me and others had slipped away, and he wanted me to be happy, but he just couldn’t be the kind of man I needed right then.
I was devastated. We had been planning a wedding and looking at apartments with no sign of a problem until a week or two before this pronouncement. I hated it with every fiber of my soul, but I understood, at the same time. We had become so…. BORING. There was nothing interesting or spiritual in our relationship anymore. I agreed time apart was probably best, but I still feel a total break up may have been too much… I hope and pray that this is not forever, and that the Lord will bring us back together someday if it’s His will… but for now, I want to focus on growing closer to the Lord, so when/if we do come together again, HE will take first place in our relationship.
Thank you for this blog… I’m going to start reading! God bless!
Also, those books look very interesting… I may have to pick up a copy sometime!
“I’m listening. I’m just not responding.” Then he explained why….
Thanks for this timely (for me) post and the chance to win.
This post really spoke to me. It has helped me realize that I need more communication in my marriage. I am now going to try to communicate more effectively with my husband and reap the benefits! 🙂
The whole post spoke to me but the fighting part really spoke to me. I never really thought of that aspect of a fight but it makes total sense. Thanks!
Timing is so important in communication. The Bible says that a soft answer turns away wrath or anger. This is so true. Trying to talk things out when you are steaming is not a great plan. Walk away, cool off and then come back together and talk. Tell your spouse what you are doing or else he will just follow you trying to talk it out and you are just feeling the steam rising. Don’t decide once you’ve cooled off that you don’t need to talk any more. Those feelings are still there for him and you and still need to be communicated.
Thanks so much for the encouragement you spread to others through this daily devotional. I often send it on to different people who are going through some of the things that you talk about in your devotionals.
This is my first time of your site. I love it! Thank you!
So much of what you said is point on for my husband & I. We are in a different place than you are. We are recently empty nesters. We have always had a problem with communication. At the beginning of our marriage, over 30 years ago, he didn’t communicate. Now I have shut down after trying for so many years.
We were both raised in the church but couldn’t have been further away from it when we got married & started our family. We are now very involved in our church & have been for many years. The bible studies, busyness with our children for so many years & life lessons have changed us both. He now wants to communicate. I have recently realized after getting no where for so many years I have shut down & given up. He is finally starting to try to communicate & I am just tired of trying & not sure if he can really do that with anyone but his buddies or small group.
In fights I think we both feel like we have to be right. It is hard for either of us to apologize. I do sometimes admit I was wrong. He rarely does. I forgive & forget. He says he forgives but continues, sometimes years later, to bring things up. When he does this it is with a lot of anger. As if he has been holding on to every fight we have ever had& brings every fight right back up for some silly thing we are fighting about.
After writing this it seems we need more help than I originally thought or admitted to. Anything that you can do to help would certainly be appreciated!
Fighting to win, though I’m getting better. I’m sure I do that because of wanting to build myself up. It’s NOT a win/lose situation. I am so blessed to have a Godly husband who is a fantastic listener, and who reads my moods and facial expressions, defusing an argument before it begins.
The whole message speaks to me…we’re working on better communicating at home when conflict comes up.
I grew up in a large family where it was hard to be heard, taken seriously, and I was, mostly, the one other siblings found easy to poke fun at; I get defensive SO easily and want to be right (respected)…I’ve drug that into my marriage.
Thank you for getting my attention to see things differently.
This spoke to my heat today and such a much needed message for communicating not only with your spouse, but others as well. My husband and I took a marriage class at our church and we learned a lot about how to communicate with each other, but we get so busy living life, we forget these things. Thank you for the reminder and for teaching us things we can do to achieve these goal. I know that at times, I go on the defensive right away and your message made me see that I don’t have to go there. I can really listen and not let my emotions do the talking, but my heart. I have a great marriage, we have 42 years in and still going, but it does help to be reminded of how we should communicate with each other through respect and really listening with our heart to what each other is saying. Thank you and may God bless your ministry. I think from the responses here, this is a much needed topic.
Just reading a total description of how I am (fight to win) was convicting enough! My husband is a withdrawer and it makes me want to work hard to turn it down a few notches! Would love these books!
What struck me is what you said about “learning to focus on what is being said rather than how I feel about what’s being said…” I find myself getting so wrapped up in the emotional side of things and often end up reading into what I THINK is being said rather than what he is actually saying. I often go to the extreme in my mind, especially in areas where I feel insecure, especially if I find myself falling into the trap of comparing myself to other wives/mothers. (For example: he mentions that papers are building up on the counter – I interpret I’m not good enough at keeping our home clean … its really silly actually).
Thanks for your post and your commitment to Proverbs 31!
Communication is the backbone of a healthy marriage but it is soooo difficult. My husband and I argued this morning – when he left to take our son to school I was thinking about how difficult it is to communicate. We are going through something extremely stressful right now and I feel the need to communicate more than ever. Unfortunately, he tends to withdraw and so I seek others to communicate with. That doesn’t help our marriage though! Thank you for the suggestions on better ways to listen and communicate!
I’m so thankful I found this today. I found it through the Proverbs 31 daily devotions-email, “the stickers”! When your husband said, I’m listening, I’m just not responding. I’ve heard this from my husband a few times recently. When I start going off with comments saying thing’s I should not be saying. I to often tend to elaborate on something, instead of just letting it go.
I will be reading your posts daily for encouragement from Gods word on marriage.
Thank you!
THANKS a bunch for this post. I want to share it with my husband – I am a very verbal fighter who wants resolution. He is a non-fighter, an ostrich about fighting. Unless he ‘blows’ and then there’s no fight. It’s all over. I’m learning this about him. We both have baggage from our past that so far has determined how we face conflict with each other. The books you are giving away look like a great way to help us figure each other out!
I must learn the art of being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
Thank you for today’s devotion. The devotion really spoke to me. I often forget in the midst of a conversation or argument what am really trying to resolve. Your advice can really help me ground myself and learn how to handle communicating with my husband.
Micca,
My husband and I have had some struggles. He has been on Meds that have taken away any drive that he would have and should have. It has been hard for me to understand because we had a really great relationship. Now I have days where my mind plays games with me. Like what is your husband doing? Who is he spending time with if he’s not with you and the minds keeps going. I try to stay focused and praying for him and pray for healing. I have researched the sideeffects of the meds. Not a pretty sight to read all of them. Just down right scray. My husband will not open up to why he doesn’t have a desire and I am afraid to ask.
The park about what type of fighter are you was good, and much needed in my life.
Thanks for such a great post Micca.
I would have to say I am a fighter even when I think I am not being one. I try to prove my point and make sure my partner actually understands it, which probably isn’t the best way to communicate. I know it makes him feel like a failure and he is doing everything wrong at times, which is exactly how I feel. I look forward to reading future posts from someone who is such an inspiration!
God bless You for all that you do! 🙂
Listen to UNDERSTAND, not judge.
Thank you
Followed you over after reading the Proverbs 31 devotion. Loved the sticker book story.
I appreciated your blog including the what kind of fighter am I. I am definitely going to try and get a hold of that book. I found our marriage ran better after understanding out love languages. Mine is time spent, his is physical. Since I have had a couple of surgeries in the last 10 years we have gotten creative meeting his needs during my recovery. Also with 4 kids in a variety of activities, we have learned to carve out small batches of time together to meet my needs.
I am planning on signing up for your blog.
Many thanks for sharing!
communication; communication; communication
keep communicating with one another and keep on forgiving as Christ did us
do not let the sun go down on your anger, but make it right with one another
we are just 25 years married and i made many of the mistakes mentioned in the devotions, but God kept us together and we have learned so much
if you are in a difficult marriage, keep communicating, keep praying,
and read what the bible says how we should obey and submit to our husband
if you have God as your guide and your husband the head of your household you will be blessed; thanks so much for these devotions!!!
I used to be the fighter and feel threatened when my husband disagreed with me. I have learned to trust God more in the last 4 years. The more I trust God and let my husband be the head of my household, even when I disagree, the more we get along, the more we talk, and the more in love we get after 24 years of marriage!
It’s interesting bc I think I’m the worst– a combo of 2 and 3!!! My husband is a peacekeeper but w/in marriage he seems to always ‘win’. Not a fun relationship right now. I’m hoping it will get better w some more tips and prayer….
Wow, your message was so timely. My husband and I were again having the same discussion last evening as we have had before about our relationship, however nothing changes. I am going to forward your Sticker Book message to him and ask to set a time to have a conversation that builds our relationship. Bless you.
I stopped talking to my husband because he never responded. Then I decided maybe I was hurting him voicing my thoughts, opinions etc. You are right, kill conversation and you kill the relationship. We’re still together but we don’t seem to share life!
I grew up with a dad being a “winner” and my mom being the “yielder”. I swore that I would NEVER be like her. Oh well, you know what they say about saying never. I am more of a withdrawer. I HATE to fight. I think my husband is the same. I think his mom was like my dad and vice-versa. We are doing better, but still need help.
I have been praying that I would “Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (Jas 1:19b). And I definitely need to work on when I bring up things that I want to discuss with my husband. Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it.
learning to focus on what is being said rather than how I feel about what’s being said
I often feel like I’m rather good at communicating and receiving like the blog described. Except when it comes to those closest to me. I turn it around and I “believe” or “feel” they are saying ________ when it’s all in my head. To learn to stop and take a moment to really understand what the other person is not only saying, but is TRYING to say/communicate. Maybe they are just not good at relaying what’s going on.
I really related to the part about being a better listener and using a lot less words! My husband had read that it takes a man 8 times longer to mentally process information, so when it seems like he’s not responding or is withdrawing or ignoring me, he’s actually just trying to process what I have said! So if I give him time instead of just going on and on trying to get my point across, then he will be able to more thoughtfully and lovingly respond to me instead of shutting down or getting angry. Thanks for the great info on better communication and God bless your ministry 🙂
After reading Heartbroken, I want her to have both books.
You and your husband are now in my prayers.
God bless both of you, your marriage, and relationship.
Declare over yourself and each other in Jesus Name Amen!
I am such a withdrawer and my husband is a yielder. I know I deal with conflict poorly and have desired to change for fifteen years in our marriage. I’ve never really known how other than to just pray that God would help me. Thanks for the post today. It really hit home.
The part that stood out most is communication.
Thank you for reminding me what it means to really listen and not just prepare my rebuttal.
Eek thanks for reminding me to be slow to speak and slow to anger. I always seem to jump to those 2 fast before I’ve even thought it through or fully heard it out. I agree that I tend not to fully listen, but think about how I’m going to respond, which is awful for communicating with your partner.
Definitely taking the time to recognize what kind of fighter I am, and also what others are, spoke to me!
This is the first I’ve heard of different types of fighters. Very valuable info! Thanks!
I just popped over from today’s P31 devotional. So glad I did. My husband and I have been married for 37 years, not all happy years, but God kept speaking to my heart to stay. I would often be angry at God for encouraging me to STAY in what was a hopeless marriage. I can honestly say that I’m glad I was obedient to His command. God has truly blessed our marriage by changing me first. I’ve seen Him make some wonderful and impossible (by man’s capabilities) changes in My husband in these latter years.
I would love to be a winner of your books give-away. My son and his fiance are getting married next year in May. I would like for them to have these tools along with their Bible and your blog to steer them on this wonderful journey of a godly marriage.
My husband and I need to learn how to communicate better.
Wow!!! I never really thought about the different kinds of fighters. I am the one who tries to maintain the peace by not bringing or discussing issues or things. My husband is the one where he’s right and I am wrong. Usually our fighters end with me crying, non-responsive and him not understanding why. I know communication is key but I sometimes rather avoid it and avoid the drama…..thus we need to figure out how to discuss our things better without hurting each other. Thanks!
I really liked the part about listening and not judging. I have a bad habit of not validating another person’s thoughts (my husband) when I do not agree with them.
my husband used to fight every day, several times a day. I learned many years later that I needed to change myself and hope he would follow. I did and he did. However, communication is still not our strong point but we are working on it
Oh my hat! What a revelation to find out we have different fighting styles. This is going to be both interesting and hilarious(in a way) when my hubby and I chat about this. Thank you for sharing.
Many things in your post was an eye-opener for me…
1. Communication for a marriage compared to the blood of our bodies. I believe that my husband and I are both “withdrawers,” which equals lack of communication.
2. listening and understand and not judge
3. Make the relationship a priority and not the conflict
Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
It’s. True. Me and my husband don’t communicate and we do not have a relationship any longer…sad really
Perfect timing! I needed this today. My husband and I had a no holds barred argument earlier today and it seemed we were both out for blood. The verse “slow to speak and slow to become angry” convicted my heart and spoke to me. Thank you for reminding me of the truth in God’s word and how we need to live out that truth in our relationships, particularly our marriages.
“Focus on what’s being said rather than how I feel about what’s being said”….wow! That’s a trajectory shifter for me!!
Thanks. Your husband sounds like mine. Men are so much better at responding without emotion. I also enjoyed Rainey’s style of fighting. Blessing.
I had never thought about the types of fighting before. I think shedding a light on that could really make a difference in future discussions.
By the way, thank you for your Sticker Book Proverbs 31 devotional which brought me here and for your above devotional. Wise, wonderful words for honoring, Christly marriages.
Micca,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. The part that spoke to me the most was the importance of forgiveness. Without forgiveness we are only left with anger and bitterness. I do not want to be that person…
In Him,
Tina
Wow!! My husband and I had read the book the 5 Love Languages and I thought that was going to help. You have given me something to think about…I have to see how we fight to figure out also how to talk to each other. My walk with God only started a few years ago, but I love points of view like this to help keep my marriage going and focused on where God wants us to be. Thanks so much!
Timing is everything! Be patient but don’t wait too long to communicate the difficult. Loved this!
This really spoke to me.
I am a single Christian woman who met someone who is not.
I thought it would be so easy to walk away from him, but unfortunately, it
was hard.
God helped me along the way. This story gives me hope that if God wants me in a relationship, I can trust that He will find me a man who loves the Lord above all else.
The communication styles in regard to conflicts hit home. My husband & I are very different in our styles. I would love any tool that would help us draw closer to each other.
I needed to hear about how we NEED to be open to communication. My husband and I both struggle with this. We do not like to fight or even carry the slightest riff against eachother. I think we keep quiet about how we really feel sometimes because it seems easier at the moment, but somewhere down the line it starts to leak out and then causes the hurt.
it all speaks to me. I am a fighter. My husband withdraws. He would rather ignore a problem than address it. This bleeds to every type of relationship. His extended family. Work. our children and parenting. To stay together, I must figure out how to accept that, as trying to ‘fix’ it does not work.
Will definitely spend some time meditating on what kind of fighter both me and my husband are. Hadn’t really thought of it in these terms before. Thanks for sharing!
Wow, I loved this, especially what type of fighter are you. I kind of wish some of these posts could go straight to the husbands! LOL! But there is always the forward button. Thank you for all that you do. Abundant blessings! 🙂
I am a fighter to win, if I don’t win I run away. This cost my marriage. I truly regret not trying harder in a more positive way to communicate with my then spouse. It has taken 10 years for us to start communicating again. He is now remarried, but good communication helps because we have two girls. Also I need to learn to communicate for future relationships. Love your blog!
James 1:19-20 Says “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” It does not matter what type of argue position I take, it is responding in a sinful action and not biblical. When I see my sin first, see it as worst, and see it as something that needs to be worked on the most; I better get the log out of my own eye. It is very humbling to see one’s own sin before the eyes of God. James further states in 4:1-3 “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask , you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” May God’s Holy Spirit continue to teach me how to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave me. That I would follow God’s example and walk in His abiding love. Good points I will use in counseling couples.
Thank you!