When I lost my spouse, people said strange things to me such as. “You’re young. You’ll marry again.” I know they meant well but their words brought no comfort. At the time, I wasn’t thinking of re-marrying. I wanted the marriage I already had.
We often say to the woman who lost her baby during pregnancy, “You can try again.” Yet, she longs for the child she’ll never hold. We mean well by offering a future perspective, but what she really needs is for us to meet her in her pain.
Here’s what we need to know about someone in pain.
- The goal isn’t to make the person feel better. It’s to be there while she feels the worst.
- Grief is a journey to be taken. Experienced. Unpacked. Allow her to go through the process that will bring ultimate healing. We can’t speed up the process. Each person will journey through grief at her own pace.
Here are some ways we can respond to grief?
- Model Jesus. Jesus didn’t try and talk Mary and Martha out of their grief when Lazarus died. He didn’t offer a better perspective of the situation. No. He cried. The best thing we can do is cry with the her over her loss.
- Instead of asking what she needs, look for signs. People in pain don’t know how to articulate their needs but they will lead you in ministering to them if you watch for what they need.
Many run from the heartache of others. Instead, we should step into their grief, listen, cry, and help remove distractions that might keep her from her journey from pain to peace.
Grief is a work. It’s often the difficult road we travel that leads us to our God-given destination.
Well put, Micca. It’s good to make your acquaintance thru FB. I look forward to more. If you’d like to take a look at Laura and me, look at the Landgraf Retreats FB page and the Laura Landgraf FB page. You’d also enjoy connecting with my friend Mark Liebenow (on FB), who has done a lot of work on grief since he lost his wife Evelyn in an untimely death. BTW, I taught “Death, Dying, Loss and Grief” for many years at Fuller Theological Seminary, and again, I’m glad to be in touch with you.
Thanks for your comment, John. I will take a look at your FB pages. I look forward to knowing you, Laura, and your friend Mark. Also, thank you for teaching on such a difficult topic as Death, Loss and Grief. So many need need help walking through the grieving process. Great to connect with you!
This is so true. Our grief is just that – personal and different. Just knowing someone gets that and takes the time to be there – to pray to let you know they are praying can mean amazing things. And grief isn’t always related to death – its the loss of anything that causes pain – marriage through divorce – the normalcy we might expect from life can all create grief.
Thank you for your transparency.
Thank you for sharing, Mona. You’re right. Loss is loss whether it’s a death of a loved one or the loss of a job. The one thing we never lose is the love, strength, compassion, and faithfuliness of God to bring us through better than when we begin our journey of heartache. Sweet blessings to you!
Timely. A friend lost her husband last night and I have been wondering how to be there for her. Thank you. I will sit with her and watch and listen for her needs.
What a fantastic post. I am very sorry you have had to go through such pain but thank you for writing this. I always feel I just don’t know what to say when someone is going through a loss so this gives me the tools I need to be a good friend in a situation.