I’m getting use to finding myself in uncomfortable situations. Actually, I think it gives God a chuckle. Yesterday, after spending the night worshiping the porcelain throne during my “cleansing” process, I had my colonoscopy. If it weren’t embarrassing enough to have my fanny stuck up in the air while a strange doctor I’ve never met before inserts a CAMERA, then why not have a cute 35 year old doctor do the job. This is not what I was expecting. Where were all the grandpa doctor’s who can do this procedure in their sleep and have seen enough fannies in their life time that they all look alike? Why did I get the new kid on the block?
I’m thinking, “Oh, great. I bet “Doogie Howser” is fresh out of school and I’m his genie pig.”
The good news is all came out well! There was no mass that had currently shown up on my CT scan a week earlier to be found! God was good! The doctor was stunned! And I was reminded that I am a beloved child of the Great Physician who is not only able to heal but is willing to heal.
The weeks leading up to the colonoscopy, I had a mixed bag of emotions. I experience fear; doubt; weakness; sorrow and confusion. Just a short time before getting sick, I signed a book contract with Cook Publishing. I have speaking engagements lined up for the fall and winter…some even into next year. Not to mention, children to raise and a husband to grow old with. I couldn’t be sick. There was too much left for me to do. I have plans for my future. It was a time of testing for me. Would I trust God or give way to fear?
I’ve learned, once again, through this experience that family and friends are a great gift of God. During this time, their support made me feel cradled in God’s love. When I felt weak, their encouragements strengthen me. When I doubted, my confidence was restored by their reminders of God’s faithfulness. Yes, it was a time of testing for me. Would I trust God or give way to fear?
Some hours of the day I did fear. I worried about what my children’s life would be like if I wasn’t here. Would my husband remarry if I were to die or would he enjoy cashing in my life insurance policy on an exotic vacation without me? Oh, wait, that sounds more like something I would do. It would take visiting a place like Hawaii for me to properly grieve my husbands death.
The scariest thing had to be the knowledge that I am not my own. My life belongs to Jesus. I have no rights. It’s up to Him whether I live or die. While a part of me was at peace with that, another part of me grieved. I guess I’m torn between two loves…my family and God.
It’s not dying that I was afraid of. I don’t think most people fear death. Its how we are going to die that scares us most. Wouldn’t it be nice if we just didn’t have to be there when it happened? I’d like to be beamed up to heaven like they do in Star track when my time comes. It’s really the “going” that concerns me most.
Over all, I think I honored God with my faith even though I had times of fear. I hope I made God look good. I hope He knows that no matter what, I’m His and I’m for Him.
I should have expected this time of testing. The subject of my book is faith vs fear. I had asked God to give me fresh insights as I write. And He did. For example, when we ask God for patience, He gives us a stressful situation. I asked for fresh insights of faith in the midst of fear and got a situation that required my trust. These are God’s ways. He doesn’t necessarily cause them, but He does use them for our benefit and the benefit of others as well.
Until next time…God bless and good health!